Cheesy programmer jokes

I think that whole winsock thread is full of them.

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Total Instant Messenger. It''s better than AOL.

*cough*

How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."

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My Site

I choked on my kernel ROFL!! *cough*



/\/\att

Why do programmers get confused between halloween and christmas?
Becauase Oct(31) = Dec(25)

What about me? What about Raven?

sanguineraven: i was just about to post that one, you.. you...!

and that signature of yours is really depressing.


"I have a cursing flasher."

[edited by - parklife on August 5, 2002 7:33:07 AM]

does this sounds too geeky?

JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
by Mark Isaak

Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
hash table was bare. One day Jack''s parent said to him, "Our matrices
are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
to him.
So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
he met the traveling salesman.
"Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
in high-level language.
"I''m going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
and Apples," commented Jack.
"I have a much better algorithm. You needn''t join a queue
there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
started thrashing.
"Don''t you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
window ...

quote:

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Original post by cyanide
does this sounds too geeky?

JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
by Mark Isaak

Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
hash table was bare. One day Jack''s parent said to him, "Our matrices
are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
to him.
So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
he met the traveling salesman.
"Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
in high-level language.
"I''m going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
and Apples," commented Jack.
"I have a much better algorithm. You needn''t join a queue
there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
started thrashing.
"Don''t you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
window ...

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Where''s the funny part???



"DaHjajmajQa''jajHeghmeH!"

Cyberdrek
danielc@iquebec.com
Founder
Laval Linux

/(bb|[^b]{2})/ that is the Question -- ThinkGeek.com
Hash Bang Slash bin Slash Bash -- #!/bin/bash

i think the funny part is were it says "Jack and the beanstack"

:D

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Sam Johnston (Samith)

Some guy was walking down the street when he heard a voice coming from the ground. He looked down an low an behold there was a talking frog. It said "Help me, if you kiss me I will turn into a girl and marry you.".
To this the man only said "Cool" and he picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. A few moments later the frog yelled out "Hey! Didn''t you hear me, if you kiss me I''ll turn back into a beutifull girl and be yours forever.",
the man responded "Yeah, I heard" and put the frog back in his pocket.
The frog yelled out again "HEY!!! Why wont you kiss me!"
The man responded "You see, I''m a computer programmer and I don''t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is really cool."

Jason Mickela
ICQ : 873518
Excuse my speling.

The V-Town Have-Nots

griffen, I could see the punchline coming a mile away...

A doctor, a lawyer, and a computer programmer are driving down a long, winding mountain road one day. Suddenly, the brakes fail, and the car goes careening out of control down the mountain. Luckily, it comes to a stop in some bushes and nobody is hurt. They talk about what to do.

The lawyer advises that they take the car to a dealership immediately and determine whether a manufacturing defect was to blame, so that they could mount a lawsuit.

The doctor says that they should take the car to a trained mechanic so that whatever problem exists can be diagnosed and fixed, so as not to cause problems in the future.

The programmer says, "Let''s push it back up the hill and see if it does it again!"

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Don''t listen to me. I''ve had too much coffee.

quote:

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Original post by foofightr
griffen, I could see the punchline coming a mile away...

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proofs the state of your life...

quote:

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Original post by Sneftel
A doctor, a lawyer, and a computer programmer are driving down a long, winding mountain road one day. Suddenly, the brakes fail, and the car goes careening out of control down the mountain. Luckily, it comes to a stop in some bushes and nobody is hurt. They talk about what to do.

The lawyer advises that they take the car to a dealership immediately and determine whether a manufacturing defect was to blame, so that they could mount a lawsuit.

The doctor says that they should take the car to a trained mechanic so that whatever problem exists can be diagnosed and fixed, so as not to cause problems in the future.

The programmer says, "Let''s push it back up the hill and see if it does it again!"

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Don''t listen to me. I''ve had too much coffee.

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lol, so true.. so true...



CEO Platoon Studios

I may have gotten the first two professions wrong, but the joke is still understandable.

A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and a programmer are driving in the country and they spot a black sheep. The biologist says, "This place has black sheep." The physicist replies, "No, we only know that there is only one black sheep here." The mathematician corrects him and says, "Ah, but we only know he is black on one side. And the programmer says, "Not a special case!"

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I gave a chuckle at this when I heard someone say it:

Philosophers look down on mathematicians, mathematicians look down on physicists, physicists look down on chemists, chemists look down on biologists, biologists look down on computer scientists, and computer scientists mumble to themselves.

I like mathematician jokes the best because I had a math professor who I can imagine doing exactly what happens in the jokes.

This can''t exactly be classified as a joke, but I found it a funny programmer saying nonetheless: "Programming is the most fun you can have with your pants on; although pants are not required."

History of UNIX

Unix was a program gone bad. Born into poverty, its parents, the phone company, couldn''t afford more than a roll of teletype paper a year, so Unix never had decent documentation and its source files had to go without any comments whatsoever. Year after year, Papa Bell would humiliate itself asking for rate increases so that it could feed its child. Still, unix had to go to school with only two and three letter command names because the phone company just couldn''t afford any better. At school, the other operating systems with real command names, and even command completion, would taunt poor little Unix for not having any job or terminal management facilities or for having to use its file system for interprocess communication and locking.

Then, bitter and emasculated by its poverty, the phone company began to drink. During lost weekends of drunken excess, it would brutally beat poor little Unix about the face and neck. Eventually, Unix ran away from home. Soon it was living on the streets of Berkeley. There, Unix got involved with a bad crowd. Its life became a degrading journey of drugs and debauchery. To keep itself alive, it sold cheap source licenses for itself to universities which used it for medical experiments. Being wantonly hacked by an endless stream of nameless, faceless undergraduates, both men and women, often by more than one at the same time, Unix fell into a hell-hole of depravity.

And so it was that poor little Unix began to go insane. It retreated steadily into a dreamworld, the only place where it felt safe. It took heroin and dreamed of being a real operating system. It took LSD and dreamed of being a raspberry flavored three-toed yak. It liked that better. As Unix became increasingly attracted to LSD, it would spend weekends reading Hunter Thompson and taking cocktails of acid and speed while writing crazed poetry in which it found deep meaning but which no one else could understand.

Eventually, Unix began walking down Telegraph Avenue talking to itself, saying "Panic: freeing free inode," over and over again. Sometimes it would accost perfect strangers and yell "Bus error (core dumped)!" or "UNEXPECTED INCONSISTENCY: RUN FSCK MANUALLY!" at them in a high pitched squeal like a chihuaua with amphetamine psychosis. Upstanding citizens pretended it was invisible. Mothers with children crossed to the other side of the street.

Then one evening Unix watched television, an event which would change its life. There it discovered professional wrestling and knew that it had found its true calling. It began to take huge doses of corticosteroids to build itself up even bigger than the biggest of the programs which had beaten it up as a child. It ate three dozen pancakes and four dozen new features for breakfast each day. As the complications of the steroids grew worse, its internal organs grew to the point where Unix could no longer contain them. First the kernel grew, then the C library, then the number of daemons. Soon one of its window systems was requiring two megabytes of swap space for each open window. Unix began to bulge in strange, unflattering places. But Unix continued to take the drugs and its internal organs continued to grow. They grew out its ears and nostrils. They placed incredible stresses on Unix''s brain until it finally liquefied under pressure. Soon Unix had the mass of Andre the Giant, the body of the Elephant Man, and the mind of a forgotten Jack Nicholson character.

The worst strain was on Unix''s mind. Unable to assimilate all the conflicting patchworks of features it had ingested, its personality began to fragment into millions of distinct, incompatible operating systems. People would cautiously say "good morning Unix. And who are we today?" and it would reply "Beastie" (BSD), or "Domain", or "I''m System III, but I''ll be System V tomorrow." Psychiatrists labored for years to weld together the two major poles of Unix''s personality, "Beasty Boy", an inner-city youth from Berkeley, and "Belle", a southern transvestite who wanted to be a woman. With each attempt, the two poles would mutate, like psychotic retroviruses, leaving their union a worthless blob of protoplasm requiring constant life support to remain compatible with its parent personalities.

Finally, unbalanced by its own cancerous growth, Unix fell into a vat of toxic radioactive wombat urine, from which it emerged, skin white and hair green. It smelled like somebody''s dead grandmother. With a horrible grin on its face, it set out to conquer the world.

My favorite: You know your game is in trouble when the programmers think it's funny declaring an integer named eger.

[edited by - mnansgar on August 6, 2002 12:11:02 PM]

quote:

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Original post by Michalson
History of UNIX...

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Let me guess, you are that OS!



Jason Mickela
ICQ : 873518
Excuse my speling.

The V-Town Have-Nots