Programming Jokes here

Did you hear about the CS major that drowned in the shower? The shampoo bottle said "Lather, Rinse, Repeat"

A software engineer, chemical engineer, electrical engineer, and mechanical engineer were riding down the highway in a car when it started sputtering and finally rolled to a stop at the edge of the road, making terrible noises. They all got out and popped the hood. The mechanical engineer said "It''s a mechanical problem. We probably had a belt break, or the transmission is messed up." The electrical engineer said "Nah, it''s probably electrical. Let''s check the batteries and wires, and clean the spark plugs." The chemical engineer said "Maybe there''s a problem with the gasoline... or maybe we''re low on oil..." The software engineer said "What are we standing out here for? Shut it off, turn it back on, and let''s go already!"

-fel

This one is one of terminates qoutes, but it''s still funny!
"Come help me make my 3d game! I just picked up a copy of C++ in 21 days!"
-unknown newbie

3 programmers were in a bar. 1 had just been fired from a major corporate database job because he crashed the system.

The 2nd programmer''s wife left him because he spent to much time on the computer.

The 3rd was happily thinking about the profits that were racking up as this joke was told. His remake of Quake had been a great hit with the gamers and everyone was buying it!

The first programmer stormed out of the bar in a drunken rage and was hit by a car.

The 2nd programmer started to ramble all his words with source code. ''printf("Uhhhh....");'' He had a heart attack and died.

The 3rd programmer walked away sober and alive. Then the bartender said:
"What is this? A joke?"

............
Guardian Angel Interactive

(groan)
That last one was BAD!

My favorate quote:

I do not make software "releases". My software "escapes" leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.

I have that pinned on my wall, just in case there''s any questions.

E:cb woof!

Here''s a little something, which I have posted on my cubicle wall:

CARELESS CODE RECYCLING CAUSES KILLER KANGAS
Mutant Marsupials Take Up Arms Against Australian Air Force

The reuse of some object-oriented code has caused tactical
headaches for Australia''s armed forces. As virtual reality
simulators assume larger roles in helicopter combat training,
programmers have gone to great lengths to increase the
realism of their scenarios, including detailed landscapes and
in the case of the Northern Territory''s Operation Phoenix
herds of kangaroos (since disturbed animals might well give
away a helicopter''s position).

The head of the Defense Science & Technology Organization''s
Land Operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed
developers to model the local marsupials'' movements and
reactions to helicopters. Being efficient programmers, they
just re-appropriated some code originally used to model
infantry detachment reactions under the same stimuli, changed
the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased
the figures'' speed of movement.

Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting
American pilots, the hotshot Aussies "buzzed" the virtual
kangaroos in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos
scattered, as predicted, and the visiting Americans nodded
appreciatively... then did a double-take as the kangaroos
reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of
Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. (Apparently the
programmers had forgotten to remove that part of the infantry
coding.)

The lesson?

Objects are defined with certain attributes, and any new
object defined in terms of an old one inherits all the
attributes. The embarrassed programmers had learned to be
careful when reusing object-oriented code, and the Yanks left
with a newfound respect for Australian wildlife.
Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point
onward have strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were meant to.

* From June 15, 1999 Defense Science and Technology
Organization Lecture Series, Melbourne, Australia, and staff reports

now that''s funny shit!



david

--
davidw@heehaw.com
neonstar entertainment

Yeah! Go get 'em ferocious marsupials!
Oh wait a minute? Damn, you stole my game idea of Marsupial batteling various aricraft! (Kidding of course)





Edited by - Marsupial Rodentia on June 28, 2000 1:51:10 PM

Here''s another tasty tidbit destroying the acoustic properties of my cloth cubicle wall. I give you:

TOP FIFTEEN THINGS YOU WILL HEAR A KLINGON PROGRAMMER SAY

15) Klingon multitasking systems do not support "time-sharing". When a Klingon program wants to run, it challenges the scheduler in hand-to-hand combat and owns the machine.

14) Perhaps it IS a good day to die! I say we ship it!

13) My program has just dumped Stova Core!

12) "Specifications are for the weak and timid!"

11) "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!"

10) "You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you''ve read it in the original Klingon."

9) "Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!"

8) "What is this talk of ''release''? Klingons do not make software ''releases''. Our software ''escapes'' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in it''s wake."

7) "Klingon function calls do not have ''parameters'' - they have
''arguments'' - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM."

6) "Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak."

5) "I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again."

4) "A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!"

3) "By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!"

2) "You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!"

1) "Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!"

#7 is my personal favorite.

-fel

I apologize for my cheap joke. I just wanted to be part of the conversation I guess...

Anyway, DEAL WITH IT!

............
Guardian Angel Interactive

How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, that''s a hardware problem.

How many SGI employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but he''ll quit halfway through saying they got all they wanted from it.

How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they''ll just declare darkness a new standard.

I believe the reply to your software joke, Sean, is:

How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None! You can fix anything with software.

By the way, for a real laugh, check out #8 on the actual Microsoft EULA for Visual J++. Yet another item posted on my cube wall.

-fel

TO: Marsupial Rodentia
FROM: College Classmate in Buisness School
RE: Grad School

Well, Well Marsup! So I have just started grad school! I shall be taking classes at night and will complete my Masters of Buisness Administration in about 3 years. What I fear the most is that I have to take a calculus class sometime.
Last night in class, I was the youngest one there. These were a bunch of old guys using all kinds of acronyms like CIO and CEO and CFO. Then they were using cliches like "Thinking outside the box". I tell you man, they lecture about all this garbage but they don''t tell you how to implement it. Anyway, call me if you''re ever in my neck of the woods.



TO: Bidness-Man
FROM: Marsupial Rodentia
RE: Grad School

Well it''s no wonder to me why bidnessess get run the way they do! What''s this about Thinking outside the box? To solve most problems, I frequently think outside dodecahedrons or buckminster-fullerenes. For some really profound thoughts, try thinking outside a sphere. Note that a sphere in it''s perfection, has infinite resolution!

Feel free to quote me should you do your dissertation on "Complex Extra-Geometrical Thinking - a modern bidness approach."





"Do you bury me when I'm gone?
Do you teach me while I'm here?"
- James Hetfield

quote:

---

Original post by felisandria
CARELESS CODE RECYCLING CAUSES KILLER KANGAS

---

Thanks, now my co-workers will give me crap for weeks about ''that time Mtn.Dew shot out his nose''.

Great way to end the day.

ManaSink

Sing with the tune 99 bottles of beer on the wall.

99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code,.... > (Repeat until BUGS = 0)

Sing with to the tune On the first Day of Christmas

For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say it''s not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Tell them it''s a feature
Say it''s not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

There are only four types of men , RichMan , PoorMan , BeggarMan , Thief........

A Redneck's Interpretation Of Computer Terms

Log on -- Make the wood stove hotter
Log off -- Don't add no more wood

Monitor -- Keep an eye on that wood stove

Download -- Getting the firewood off the truck

Floppy disk -- What you get from trying to carry too much firewood

Ram -- The thing that splits the firewood

Hard drive -- Getting home in the winter

Prompt -- What the mail ain't in the winter

Window -- What to shut when it's cold outside

Screen -- What to shut in black fly season

Byte -- What the black flies do

Bit -- What the black flies did

Mega Byte -- What the BIG black flies do chip Munchies for TV

Micro Chip -- What's left in the bag after you eat the chips

Modem -- What you did to the hay fields

Dot matrix -- Old Dan Matrix's wife

Lap top -- Where the kitty sleeps

Software -- The dumb plastic knives & forks they give you at McDonalds

Hardware -- The real stainless steel cutlery.

Mouse -- What eats grain in the barn

Main frame -- What holds the barn up

Enter -- City talk for - "come on in, eh?"

Web -- What a spider makes

Web -- Site The barn or the attic

Cursor -- Someone who swears

Search Engine -- What you do when the car dies

Screen Saver -- A repair kit for the torn window screen

Home Page -- A map you keep in your back pocket just in case you get lost in the field.

Upgrade -- Steep hill.

Server -- The person at the ABC that brings the food.

Mail Server -- The guy at the ABC that brings the food.

MSDOS -- Some new disease they discovered.

Sound Card -- One of them technological birthday cards that plays music when you open it.

User -- The neighbor who keeps borrowing stuff.

Browser -- What they call you when your eye brows grow together.

Network -- When you have to repair your fishing net.

Internet -- Complicated fish net repair method.

Netscape -- When a fish maneuvers out of reach.

Online -- When you get the laundry hung out on the washline.

Offline -- The clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground.

BACKUP - What you do when you run over a coon in the woods

BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern

BUG - The reason you give for calling out sick

CACHE - Neede when you run out of food stamps

CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in

TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker

CRASH - When you go to Juniors party univited

DIGITAL - The art of countining on you fingers

DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer

FAX - What you lie about to the IRS

HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking

HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos

INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put ther hair

KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere

MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food

MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers

MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall

MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie lives

ONLINE- Where to stay when taking the sobriety test

ROM - Where the pope lives

INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put ther hair




There are only four types of men , RichMan , PoorMan , BeggarMan , Thief........

Edited by - Tha_HoodRat on June 28, 2000 7:31:07 PM

"A Mouse is an advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. "

"Your computer is dead. And it was so alive. You shouldn''t have installed, Windows 95. "

"Documentation is the castor oil of programming ... Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much."

"A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do."

"A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren''t broken."

"All the simple programs have been written, and all the good names taken."

"Any program that runs right is obsolete."

"Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner."

"Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers."

"Bug? That''s not a bug, that''s a feature."

"Computer Science: solving today''s problems tomorrow."

"DYNAMIC LINKING ERROR: Your mistake is now everywhere."

"Diagnostics are the programs that run when nothing else will."

"Don''t document the program; program the document."

"God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER."

"If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports."

"If at first you don''t succeed, call it version 1.0"

"If at first you don''t succeed, you must be a programmer."

"Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!"

"If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in."

Not a real joke, but fun nonetheless.

"The best computer is a man, and it''s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labor."

"Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don''t need to be done."

"Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?"

"There''s no god, and Murphy is his prophet."

"How can you respect a machine controlled by a mouse?"

"ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!"



Arjan

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-Programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.
Unknown Person
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