Programmers joke

I don''t get it... where is 141778?

Unless that string of bits was supposed to be machine code... but 18 bits means you have instruction sizes of 2, 3, or 9...


(I know it was a joke... I''m poking fun because it was a horrible joke)

Q: What did Cinderella say when she got down to the ball?
A: *choke*

I'm a programmer, thats a joke.

MindEngine Development
http://medev.sourceforge.net

[edited by - neurokaotix on March 30, 2004 6:44:11 AM]

Moved from "For Beginners".

I thought this one was good:

A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
His girlfriend gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can''t you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"

The man replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don''t worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

---
Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
---

If you can touch it and you can see it, it''s REAL.
If you can touch it but you can''t see it, it''s TRANSPARENT.
If you can''t touch it but you can see it, it''s VIRTUAL.
If you can''t touch it and you can''t see it, it''s GONE.
---

Software Development Cycle

1 Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2 Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3 Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren''t really bugs.
4 Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn''t work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5 Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
6 Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
7 Users find 137 new bugs.
8 Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
9 Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
10 Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
11 Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
12 New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
13 Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free...

---

A grade school teacher was asking his pupils what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She''s a doctor."
"That''s wonderful. How about you, Amy?"
Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amy" said the teacher. "What does your parent do, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and went to Billy''s house and rang the bell. Billy''s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy''s dad said, "I''m actually a system programmer specializing in TCP/IP communication protocol on UNIX systems. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"


More here

This was good too

Murphy''s Laws of Computing

When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it''s probably obsolete.

The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

When the going gets tough, upgrade.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

n/m

this is not a programming joke, but still tech humor

Go to language tools on google type in "my mom is nice and cool." and convert
it from English to Spanish.

Then copy & paste the answer into the translate box and convert from Spanish
to English

Ok.



(My "weird thread" forum pic.)

And of course my sig.

.bas

printf ( "And for the %dth time, I''m not American!", ++lIdiots );

quote:

---

Original post by cyanide
this is not a programming joke, but still tech humor

Go to language tools on google type in "my mom is nice and cool." and convert
it from English to Spanish.

Then copy & paste the answer into the translate box and convert from Spanish
to English

---

That was fun

[...] I attempted to tell the one about the architech, the artist, and the programmer and their mistress and wife, but failed miserably. Anyone remember it?

So a priest, a rabbi, and a programmer walk into a bar...

A string walks into a bar and says "I would like a beer!(/#(!@#)(!#>!@#()#(!#KJLKHF()#("

The second string says "You have to excuse my friend, he is not NULL terminated."

A biologist, a statistician, and a programmer take a trip to Africa, and they find a blue zebra.

The biologist says, "Wow, this is an amazing discovery. We must study it!"

The statiscian says...(something that I don''t remember, but it''s about the probability of blue zebras).

The programmer says, "OH TEH NOES! A special case!"

quote:

---

Original post by cyanide
this is not a programming joke, but still tech humor

Go to language tools on google type in "my mom is nice and cool." and convert
it from English to Spanish.

Then copy & paste the answer into the translate box and convert from Spanish
to English

---

Nearly Died. lol!

(To the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody)

Is this the real world? Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a LAN-slide, no ESC to reality.
open(2) your files, look after your while()s in C;
Its just a cheap toy, but dearer than Symphony(tm)
With it''s wheezy cough, noisy beep, address clash, little sleep
Anything but Windows(tm),
Nothing beats class lib''ries to me, to me.

Mama, just killed a RAM
Got some static on its pins,
Now I don''t see the dust bin,
Mama, ''write'' had just been run,
But now I''ve got to throw it all away
Mama, ooooooh, didn''t mean to make it fry
If I''ve no stack to overflow tomorrow,
Carry one, carry one,
''Cause there''s nothing like class lib''ries.

Too late, my time(2) has come
Send lightning down my line
Stop my make(1) before it''s time
Goodbye, everybody, I''ve got to go,
Gotta leave you all behind and read Knuth.

Mama, ooooooh, (Anything but Windows(tm))
I don''t want to *sigh*
I sometimes wish I''d never known Bourne at all.

I see a little silhouetto of a man(1),
Scarramouche, scarramouche, did you run the test script yet?
Thunderbolt and lightning, blowing up my modem, me.
Gone away now,
Gone away now,
Gone away now, Windows(tm) froze.
Its worse than crap (oh oh oh oh)

It''s just a cheap toy, ev''rybody has three
It''s just a cheap toy from a cheap company
Spare us our lifes from this monstrosity!
Wheezy cough, noisy beep, will you let us sleep?
Drink Miller! GNU! We will not let you sleep! (let us sleep!)
Drink Miller! GNU! We will not let you sleep! (let us sleep!)
Drink Miller! Will not let you sleep (let us sleep!)
Will not let you sleep (let us sleep!)
Will not let you sleep (let us sleep!)
GNU, GNU, GNU, GNU, GNU, GNU GNU!
Oh Mama mia, mama mia, mama mia, let us sleep!
Be-el-ze-Gates has a widget put beside my tree, my tree, my tree!

So you think you can force me to use ''95?
So you think you can love me and leave me no drives?
Oh, baby, can''t do this to me baby,
Just gotta c-out, just gotta get write(2) out of here.

Nothing beats class lib''ries,
Anything in C, nothing beats class lib''ries,
Nothing beats class lib''ries to me.

Anything but Windows(tm).

---

A surgeon, a civil engineer and a software engineer were chatting at a bar. The discussion rolled around to whose profession was the oldest. The surgeon said that his was, since in the book of Genesis, God created Eve from one of Adam''s ribs, and surly that involved surgery. The civil engineer countered by saying that before God created man, he created the heavens and the Earth from chaos, surly a feat of civil engineering. The software engineer just smiled and said "Where do you think the chaos came from?"

---

Remember when...

A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show? A window was something you hated to clean... And RAM was the cousin of a goat...

MEG was the name of my girlfriend and GIG was your middle finger upright. Now they all mean different things and that really MEGA bytes.

An application was for employment, a program was a TV show, a cursor used profanity, a keyboard was a piano?

Memory was something that you lost with age. A CD was a bank account and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy you hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to the garbage, not something you did to a file. And if you unzipped anything in public you''d be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire, hard drive was a long trip on the road, a mouse pad was where a mouse lived and a backup happened to your commode?

Cut you did with a pocket knife, paste you did with glue. A web was a spider''s home and a virus was the flu.

I guess I''ll stick to my pad and paper, and the memory in my head. I hear nobody''s been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were dead.

---

This one is a classic. Hope I''m not forgetting any OSes.

UNIX Airways: Everyone brings along a piece of the plane when they go to the airport. They all head out to the runway and put the plane together, arguing about what kind of plane they''re making.

Air DOS: Everyone pushes the plane until it starts to glide. Then they hop on it and glide around for a little while until it crashes to the ground. Then they push some more.

Mac Airlines: All the captains, the stewards, the baggage handlers, the security agents, and the ticket agents look and act exactly alike. Every time you have a question about some detail, you''re gently but firmly told that you don''t need to know, you don''t want to know, and everything will be done for you without you ever having to know. Also, you will need baggage made specifically for their airports, no other. The tickets cost an arm and a leg, but man, are the planes ever sleek and shiny!

WinAir: The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

WinNT Airlines: Just like WinAir. However, the planes are bigger, cost more, and take out all other aircrafts within a 40 mile radius when they explode.

Linux Air: Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

quote:

---

Original post by alnite
A biologist, a statistician, and a programmer take a trip to Africa, and they find a blue zebra.

The biologist says, "Wow, this is an amazing discovery. We must study it!"

The statiscian says...(something that I don''t remember, but it''s about the probability of blue zebras).

The programmer says, "OH TEH NOES! A special case!"

---

Bah, what poor execution. Here''s the real joke:

An biologist, a physicist a mathematician, and a computer programmer (it is said) were holidaying in Scotland. Glancing from a train window, they observed a black sheep in the middle of a field.
"How interesting," observed the biologist, "all scottish sheep are black!"
To which the physicist responded, "No, no! Some Scottish sheep are black!"
The mathematician gazed heavenward in supplication, and then intoned, "In Scotland there exists at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black."
The computer programmer moaned, "Oh, no, not a special case."


I like mathematician jokes the most because of my calculus professor. I could really see him doing what''s said in the jokes.

A mathematician goes out to catch a lion. After spotting one, eh builds a fence around himself and declares himself outside.

Three employees (an engineer, a physicist and a mathematician) are staying in a hotel while attending a technical seminar.
The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.
Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.
Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, ''Ah, a solution exists!'' and then goes back to bed.