joke

ROFL! ... though sadly true, at least in my case ...

--------------------
Moo, that’s right, moo!

ROFL...
Good one that, but it''d be better if it weren''t true.


- JQ
pmjordan@gmx.at

lead programmer,
PWC Software

A new priest at his frist mass was so nervous he could heardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.



1. Sip the Vodka, don''t gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don''t say...he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the gurb, Yeah! God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter''s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy''s.

Runemaster
Join the Game Developers RuneRing !

The Specular Lightosis Research Fund

hmmmmmm......does this work ?

Runemaster
Join the Game Developers RuneRing !
The Specular Lightosis Research Fund
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it !

hahahaha
that was really good runemaster (the first one i meant. the second one was crappy)


- Pouya
#define PURE_STUPIDITY 128 PROGRAMMERS

Edited by - pouya on September 4, 2000 6:29:56 PM

I know the second one kinda sucked...well, I wanted to copy & paste another one but I messed up something so I posted that one....hmm, I should delete it !
(no, wait - I liked 6,7 and 11)

Runemaster
Join the Game Developers RuneRing !
The Specular Lightosis Research Fund
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it !


Edited by - runemaster on September 4, 2000 6:35:56 PM

oh, i meant the first one in that row
and the second one referred to the one that you said about the holy water
the preist joke was really good


- Pouya
#define PURE_STUPIDITY 128 PROGRAMMERS

both jokes were good

J2xC (J. Connolly)

"Then study this: Borg provokes Klingon, Klingon breaks Borg's nose" Belanna Torres, Star Trek Voyager 5.11 "Someone to watch over me"

I thought only a few parts of the priest jokes were funny, but I liked the holy water one ! Anyway, here''s the one I really wanted to post.Maybe you''ve heard it before...




The following are new Error Messages planned for Windows Me:

1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?"
10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off."
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)"
22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.



Runemaster
Join the Game Developers RuneRing !
The Specular Lightosis Research Fund
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it !

OK, I changed my signature.I hope it works.

Runemaster
Join the Game Developers RuneRing !
The Specular Lightosis Research Fund
This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off."

" Good morning ladies!!!! " , said the blind man , as he walked by the fish market.

Here''s some jokes andd quotes from a weekly magazine for Engineers that Im receiving. The magazine is in danish and so are some of the jokes, but I try to translate as good as I can. I hope it gets across.

1)
At our place we boil eggs in two ways: The scientific and the religious. The scientific method utilizes a kitchen timer. The religious method is performed without the use of a timer. We call it the religious method because its always ends with the words: "Oh, God, the eggs!".

(Actually this was the end of a long and silly debate oon the best scientific approach to boil an egg).

2)
"Only the learned wish to learn; the ignorant prefers to teach" -Edouard Le Berquier

3)
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
IBM - I Buy Macintosh
IBM - I''ve Been Mislead
IBM - I''ve Been Mugged
IBM - Incompatible Business Machines
IBM - Incredibly Boring Machine
IBM - Inferior, But Marketable
IBM - Institute of Black Magic (my favorite )
IBM - Intl. Brotherhood of Magicians
IBM - It''s Better Manually
IBM - I Buy Mainframes

4)
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes that he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you''re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it''s no use to anyone."
The man belows says "You must be an executive."
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well" says the man, "you don''t know where you are, or where you''re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You''re in the same position you were before we met, but now it''s my fault."

5) The magazine says that there once was a mailbox called "Ask Marilyn" in some newspapers in the USA. Heh, it''s always fun to laugh at the stupid foregins so here''s some of the questions that appeared in the mailbox:

"How do you put all the hot air into a hair dryer? And how come it never becomes empty?"

"Do oysters get bored and how do you know?"

"I don''t understand women. Will it help if I study quantum mechanics?" (typical geek question? )

Regards

nicba

I loved the IBM jokes !
They remind me of ADOM, where you could find an IBM manual.If you read it you got permanently confused !

Here are some more acronyms, but you propably know them

MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash ; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

SCSI - System Can''t See It

DOS - Defunct Operating System

I can''t remember the rest

Runemaster
Join the Game Developers RuneRing !
The Specular Lightosis Research Fund
This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off."

Sorry runemaster, but I didn''t think the error messages were very funny, except for 1 and 17. Besides, 11 is a real BIOS error (I think you knew that). It may sound crazy at first, but I think the logic behind it is that you should first plug in a keyboard and then press F1.

-Jussi

quote:

---

Original post by runemaster
I loved the IBM jokes !
They remind me of ADOM, where you could find an IBM manual.If you read it you got permanently confused !

---

Actually, the "permanent" confusion was removed if you prayed. It was funny, anyway.

BTW. Have you tried wishing for "a computer" in ADOM? I haven''t, I think I should.

-Jussi

quote:

---

Original post by Selkrank

Sorry runemaster, but I didn''t think the error messages were very funny, except for 1 and 17. Besides, 11 is a real BIOS error (I think you knew that). It may sound crazy at first, but I think the logic behind it is that you should first plug in a keyboard and then press F1.

-Jussi

---

Hey, that''s OK ! Not everybody likes the same jokes.
As for ADOM, I suppose I should have thought of that.Have you ever found scrolls like "Join DARK - Dragons Against Reasonable Killing" ? I love those.



Runemaster
Join the Game Developers RuneRing !
The Specular Lightosis Research Fund
This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off."

quote:

---

Original post by runemaster
Hey, that''s OK ! Not everybody likes the same jokes.

---

Besides, the first one was funny.

I don''t usually like "jokes" as such. Many real life discussions, especially at coffee breaks at work, are much funnier than any joke.

-Jussi

Keep them coming people.. I love them... Runemaster, your first two were great, i didn''t like the others as much... also, some of nicba''s were good.. two i think =) i want more funny ones... forget about the computer ones.. im sure everyone has read those at one time or another... let''s hear the unheard

-------------------------------
That's just my 200 bucks' worth!

..-=gLaDiAtOr=-..

ok.. ill post my very long list of jokes
(you might wanna copy + paste these into notepad)

I will never lie if the truth will do more damage!

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you''re an asshole

Hey baby. wrinkles are something other people have. You have character lines.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, you should you never swerve to hit him! It might be your bicycle!

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Beauty Parlor is a place where women curl up and dye. .

All men are idiots....but you will marry their king! me!

Lawyer''s creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off you when you die.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

Person A: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Tipping at the rose Chapel?
Person B: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Person A: And Mr. Tipping was dead at the time, is that correct?
Person B: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I''d like to strike the next question."

An adult is a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

Person A: Were you alone or by yourself.
Person B: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
Person A: That''s me.
Person B: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Teachers typically aren''t funny -- unless by accident.

[Recall that Army Advert - UK Residents]... "You''re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a Physic''s teacher".... "You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?..." {insert big silent gap here} Shoot the Physics Teacher! Twice. Because your a bored student. {Join the British Army call now...}

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

Where there''s a will...I want to be on it.

Don''t drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill it.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.......
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....

He who laughs last thinks slowest

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette

3 kinds of people: those who are good at Maths & those who aren''t.

I love animals, they taste great.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Assassins do it from behind.

I don''t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

What is a "free" gift ? Aren''t all gifts free?

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

Watch it! Although I don''t have a license to kill. I have a learner''s permit!

I wasn''t born a bitch. Men like you made me this way!

Keep honking while I reload.

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes!

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.

Never drink and derive.

Stop repeat offenders. Don''t re-elect them!

What''s the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? Lipstick!

Better living through denial!

Don''t bother me. I''m living happily ever after.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

Adults are just kids who owe money.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me dad?

A man walked into a lawyer''s office and inquired about the lawyer''s rates. "£50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn''t that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

You! Off my planet!

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Hackers: Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Dating is the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don''t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

Eye contact is a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman''s eyes are not located in her chest.

An enemy is a member of the same sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with them totally unappealing. *Cough* *Cough*

Indifference is a woman''s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to by the man as "playing hard to get."

Interesting is a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

Comeback Line: Thank you. We''re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn''t mean you''re an artist.

I''m not being rude. You''re just insignificant.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I don''t know what your problem is, but I''ll bet it''s hard to pronounce.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Yes, I am an agent of Shakespeare, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

I''m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me!

You''re starting to sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

I''ll try being nicer if you''ll try being smarter.

I''m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

I don''t work here. I''m a consultant.

My toys! My toys! I can''t do this job without my toys!

It might look like I''m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I''m really quite busy.

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

I see you''ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Nymphomaniac a man''s term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

You were sent here as a warning to others, weren’t you?

A Mouse is an advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ...it was so cold, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

Your computer is dead. And it was so alive. You shouldn''t have installed, Windows 95.

Heard your wife left you. How upset you must be! Don''t fret about your wife though; She''s moving in with me.

So your daughter''s a hooker, And it spoilt your day. Look on the bright side: She''s a really good lay.

My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire, I found your cat. Sorry!

Gravity brings me down

I am hereby officially rendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again.
I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colours, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn''t bother you, because you didn''t know what you didn''t know and you didn''t care.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible.

I want to live simple again. I don''t want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and the loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, and kind words, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

And if you want to discuss this further, you''ll have contact my solicitor....

If knowledge is power, then God am I!

Everyone is entitled to my opinion

While money can''t buy happiness it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.

Celibacy is NOT hereditary.

Everyone hates me because I''m paranoid.

Teamwork is vital!! (It gives you someone to blame.)

If everything is coming your way, you''re in the wrong lane!

Documentation is the castor oil of programming ... Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much.

Recursive, adj.; see Recursive

An expert is someone from out of town.

No experiment is ever a complete failure -- it can always serve a negative example.

Two can live as cheaply as one - for half as long.

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

I don''t lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.

Welcome to Florida, now go home.

If you don''t like the news, go out and make some of your own.

My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she''s going to leave me. Gosh, I''m going to miss her.

Sorry, I don''t date outside my species.

Don''t steal. The government hates competition

Cover me! I''m changing lanes.

Save Florida! When you leave take someone with you.

If money could talk, it would say goodbye!

If it''s too loud, you''re too old.

Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

So many pedestrians. So little time.

Fight crime, shoot back!

If you don''t like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!

My wife''s other car is a broom!

This car is like my husband, if it ain''t yours don''t touch it!

..... REALITY.SYS Corrupted - Unable to recover Universe

A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.

A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren''t broken.

A fault tolerant system must report the faults even as it tolerates them.

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.

A successful tool is used to do something undreamed of by its author.

A)bort, R)etry or S)elf-destruct?

APATHY ERROR: Don''t bother striking any key.

ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.

Abstraction is achieved by data hiding and enforced by encapsulation.

Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

Advanced design: Upper management doesn''t understand it.

After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.

All computers run at the same speed...with the power off.

All the simple programs have been written, and all the good names taken.

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.

Another megabytes the dust.

Any program that runs right is obsolete.

Artificial Intelligence: Making computers behave like they do in the movies.

As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.

Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.

BREAKFAST.COM halted... cereal port not responding!

Backup not found: A)bort, R)etry, M)assive heart failure?

Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner.

Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.

Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.

Bug? That''s not a bug, that''s a feature.

Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.

Computer Science: solving today''s problems tomorrow.

Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying.

Computer programmers do it byte by byte.

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

Controlling complexity is the essence of computer programming.

DYNAMIC LINKING ERROR: Your mistake is now everywhere.

Design simplicity: It was developed on a shoe-string budget.

Diagnostics are the programs that run when nothing else will.

Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?

Document code? Why do you think they call it "code?"

Don''t comment or patch bad code; rewrite it.

Don''t document the program; program the document.

Don''t hit the keys so hard, it hurts.

Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.

Earth is 98% full...please delete anyone you can.

Error 13: Illegal brain function. Process terminated.

Exclusive: We''re the only ones who have the documentation.

God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER.

Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

Honey, I Formatted the Kids!

How an engineer writes a program: Start by debugging an empty file...

I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.

I am the computer your mother warned you about.

I came, I saw, Read your CV, deleted all your files. Then went back home.

IBM: Idiots Built Me

If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports.

If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?

If at first you don''t succeed, call it version 1.0

If at first you don''t succeed, you must be a programmer.

If it was so easy, the hardware people would take care of it

If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.

It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!

It''s here at last: We''ve released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.

Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence...

Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can''t be fixed...

Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...

New: It comes in different colors from the previous version.

No program written/configured by a hacker will work unless he is on the system.

Old programmers never die; they just branch to a new address.

On a clear disk you can seek forever.

Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode.

Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.

Programming is an art form that fights back.

Real programs don''t eat cache.

Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm)

Satisfaction Guaranteed: We''ll send you another copy if it fails.

Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!

Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand progress.

System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing.

The less time planning, the more time programming.

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

The wise person writes bomb-proof code.

The world''s coming to an end. Log off and leave in an orderly fashion.

This system will self-destruct in five minutes.

Those who can''t write, write help files.

Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those are easily pissed off, HACK!

To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.

USER ERROR: replace user and press any key to continue.

WOMEN.ZIP: A great program, but it doesn''t come with documentation...

Volume in Drive C: TOO_LOUD!

Was that your wife I saw in that GIF?

When all else fails, let a = 7. If that doesn''t help, then read the manual.

When a program is being BETA tested, it is not too late to make design changes.

Technician: I don''t remember installing this GPF screensaver.

Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?

DUMB PEOPLE: You don''t have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer.

You had mail, but admin read it, tossed over it and deleted it!

You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.

System Error #03: Your password is pitifully obvious.

System Error #08: Process aborted. Enter any 12-digit prime number to resume.

The world''s full of apathy, but I don''t care.

Prejudiced people are all alike.

Those who judge others will burn in Hell!

Cooperation can only be reached if we work together.

Avoid Alliteration. Always.

Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide multiple simultaneous access points to the disk.

ENGINEERING EXAM QUESTION: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.

SOCIOLOGY EXAM QUESTION: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory. Test it. Write a conclusion.

There''s so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I''d put U and I together.

Do your legs hurt from running in my dreams all night?

I''m writing a telephone book. May I have your number?

How you look depends on who''s looking.

You BITCH--Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented and Charming Human being!

What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?( = talk)

What can you find in a man''s pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it? ( = a twenty pound note)

What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k? (firetruck)

Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman? ( = bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt)

What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can''t get one you can use your hands? ( = fork)

What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat? ( = Almond Joy candy bar)

What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages? ( = grit)

What is it that all men have one of; it''s longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn''t use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they''re married? ( = last name)

"Am I going to die, doctor?" "Trust me, it''s the last thing you''ll want to do."

! Trust me! I know what I''m doing!

Doom: Don''t trust anything that moves - kill it instead.

Trust me, you don''t need this file.

I used to trust the media to tell me the truth.

I''m a lawyer . . . trust me anyway!

In God We Trust All others must show two forms of ID.

In God we Trust......All others pay ca$h!

One who trusts can never be betrayed - only mistaken

Q: How does Bill Clinton say "F*** you"? A: "Trust me."

The Errors are out there.

Trust me, I''m a lawyer... .

Trust me, would I lie to you..... TWICE?

Your eyes can deceive you. Your ears can betray you

It is easier to destroy than to create

If I see a smudge I will have you destroyed!

Hackers, You can''t outrun them. You can''t destroy them. You can''t collect evidence against them.

The embrace of love held too tightly can destroy.

Before making a backup, first destroy the originals.

Be a good Samaritan, destroy a Politician !

Destroy an Organisation, Give them Windows!

If at first you don''t succeed, destroy all evidence that shows you ever tried.

Whom the gods would destroy they give Windows!

Windows Error #018: Unrecoverable error. System destroyed.

You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.

Criminals LOVE gun control, it makes there job much easier.

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS do it by radar

BITCH: Babe In Total Control Here.

Bend over Canada, Here comes gun control!!

Conquest is easy. Control is not.

Control your attitude or it will control you.

Control your creepy self!

Gun Control: Ability to hit what you aim at

He who possesses the remote control, rules the household.

I AM IN TOTAL CONTROL! {But don''t tell the wife}

I hit the CRTL key but I''m still not in control!

It''s not who rules, but who controls the ruler.

Lawyers: The best argument against gun control.

MS-DOS is a boot sector virus.

Virus check complete. All viruses functioning normally!

(A)bort (R)etry (T)ell your boss it was a virus...

VirusScan - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/y)"

0081: Windows is NOT a virus. Viruses do something..

0844: That''s not a virus....! It''s Windows..

A Windows utility is a virus with seniority...

Attempting to transfer virus to c:\. Please wait…

SALMAN RUSHDI virus found -(A)bort (R)etry (S)hoot it again!

Bill Gates did write a slowdown virus : Windows

Memory Overload: Fat Bitch virus found!

Clinton Virus: Automatically debits bank account.

Difference between MS-DOS 6.0 and a virus? MS-DOS 6.0 fools antivirus programs!

Difference between a virus and Windows? Viruses never fail Windows does.

ERROR #1111: VIRUS DISCOVERED IN C:\..DRIVE BEING FORMATTED TO MINIMISE RISK OF FURTHER INFECTION!

ERROR #2705: Programmer infected with a virus

Elvis virus: your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs.

FORMAT C: Failed, Now Transferring Virus to d: ^C^C^C^C

Monica Virus - Does nothing... Commonly sucks up to Clinton Virus...

Lorena Bobbit Virus: turns your computer''s hard drive into a floppy.

OS/2 VirusScan - Windows found: Remove it? (Y/n)?

Old Virus Detected, Contact Hacker For Update (Y/N)?

Paranoia virus: deletes all files & replaces them with duplicates.

Prevent computer viruses. Install Trojans instead!

Right To Life Virus: Won''t allow you to delete a file

Feminist Virus: Claims it should also have equal rights to processor time.

Administrators: The provider of both viruses and virus scanners.

Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates and stays resident. It''ll be back.

Sorry! This virus requires Windows 95!

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it''s bigger than any other files on your system.

Terminator virus found. Hiding in file ILLBE.BAK

Virus detected! P)our chicken soup on motherboard?

Virus found. Filebase was corrupted. Should I short-circuit the bitch (y/n)?

Virus successfully installed. Trash FAT now? (Y/N)

Virus writers should be Debugged!

This virus is shareware. Please register after a 30-day trial!

Sysops DO IT while monitoring.

If knowledge is power, then A GOD AM I!

Information is the ultimate power.

Hacking: It''s not about enjoyment! It''s about power!

Maybe we should turn the power on BEFORE we call Tech Support...

Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.

Power attenuation occurs when growing above 30.

Sex! Lies! Drugs! Money! Power! Corruption! Man, I love Congress!

To stop me, you have to catch me first.

A friend in power is a friend lost

A man can''t have too many POWER tools!!!

All I want is a warm bed, a kind world, a computer and *Unlimited Power*...

Beauty is power; a smile its sword.

Beauty: Woman''s power to charm lovers and terrify husbands.

Education is power. Joy is vulnerability.

Even A Brick Will Fly With Enough Power Behind It

Feels like a major dose of something powerful to me.

If power corrupts then moderators must be far from their original CRC.

If you believe in the power of magic, I can change your mind.

Mathematicians do it with powers.

Old electricians never die. They just lose the power!

One user with a mouse is more powerful than ten users with game ports.

Power is dangerous unless you have humility!

Power is an illusion; only stupidity is real.

Power user? Hell, I overpower them.

Press Ctrl+Alt+Tab+F10+LeftShift+P to obtain Power User Status !

You are the Virus. You have the power to Multiply.

A jealousy of power and the desire to become part of it...

!!WARNING!! SAFESEX.ZIP is a Trojan.

I don''t object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?

"I first had sex on a farm", Peter said sheepishly.

I get it! Sex metaphor

The harddrive is down and the sexdrive is operational!

This registration paid for with sexual favors.

0891: Sex! Lies! Drugs! Sounds like parliament....

9 of 10 dentists recommend oral sex for their patients who have sex.

Do you smoke after sex? *g* I''ve never looked.

A messy kitchen is the sign of a sexy woman.

And are you sexually active ? No, I just lay there..

Bad day: Your lover calls out the name of his ex during sex.

Bald spot? No! It''s a solar panel for a sex machine.

Computers are like sex, it''s all based on I/O

Good: The teacher likes your son. Bad: Sexually. Worse: He''s gay.

Good: Your son''s doing extra credit work. Bad: Making a sex video.

Group sex is best enjoyed if you''re in the middle.

I love oral sex, it''s the phone bill I can''t stand.

If "Sexy" is a state of mind, then you''ve had a lobotomy!

If God intended us to have oral sex, she wouldn''t have given us elbows

If I can squeeze my car into a tight spot I''m sexually satisfied.

If You smoke after sex, Your doing it too fast

If sex is a pain in the butt, you need more lubrication.

If all sex is rape, then are lovers acquaintance rape survivors?

Loading DADDY.COM - Deleting SOCIAL.LYF - Lost Chains in SEXLIFE.COM

Virginity can be cured.

Man who goes to bed with sex problem, wakes up with solution in hand.

Masturbation: At least its sex with someone I love!

Men are deprived of their right to life because of their sex

Never have sex with the boss''s sister.

No sEx CaUses DistOrted VisIon

"I love you" like 6 hours of SCREAMING SEX!

One need not be a male to be a sexist.

Only dangerous sex will do

Only two things can top sex: Whipped cream and a cherry.

Nymphomaniac: A girl that can only count up to sex.

Sex is dirty only if done right!

Sex is evil, evil is sin, sin is forgiven, so let it begin!

Sex is like a bank account - when you withdraw, you lose interest

Sex is nobody''s business except the three people involved

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the Question. YES is the answer!!

Sex on TV can''t hurt unless your hand goes to sleep.

When a man talks dirty to a women, it''s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min.

Yes, I do talk to my wife after sex - if she phones.

Your wife is dead when sex remains the same & dirty dishes pile up.

My sexual orientation? Um ... horizontal, usually.

... A social life? What site do I download THAT from?

Before I speak, I''d like to say a few words...

Can I blame all of my spelling on line noise?

COLDBEER.CAN halted. Operator shelled to kitchen.

Door: Something a cat wants to be on the other side of.

ERROR #00: CPU TOO *TIRED* TO CONTINUE

Fact of life #15: Heads bleed, walls don''t.

GPF - the Microsoft Award for Programming Excellence..

Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional

I did read the docs; that''s why I''m confused!

I am a mental tourist, My mind wanders!

I had to delete Windows; my cat ate the mouse.

I was a tall person before I used PKZIP...!

I''m a little tagline. When I grow up I wanna be a novel.

MONEY TALKS ... all mine ever says is GOODBYE!

Open mouth. Insert foot. Echo internationally.

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit

Programmers are a BIT smarter than the average user.

Remember - you''re unique, just like everybody else.

Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.

Take my advice, I don''t use it anyway.

They tried to kiss in the fog... they mist.

Weather forecast for tonight: It''s going to be dark!

Why is it called "rush hour" if it''s so damn slow?

You''re schizophrenic? Gee, that makes four of us!

Bald: Follicularly challenged

Been there. Done that. Reincarnated.

Error opening CLINTON.LIE Cannot recover COUNTRY.USA

Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.

Everything''s falling into place - on top of me.

File not found, I''ll load something I think is interesting.

Government: not the solution, but the problem.

Got a 486 for my wife - good trade.

How come wrong numbers are never engaged?

I am Procrastitron. I will destroy you, eventually.

I don''t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it

If it wasn''t for C, we would be using BASI, PASAL and OBOL!

If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?

If All Else Fails: BLAME THE SYSOP!!!!

Mary had a little RAM -- only about a MEG or so.

SLEEP? I''m a SYSOP!

Sysop - Guy who likes watching others use his computer.

SysOp : Person with a parity error between the ears.

Sysops having sex: "Oooh! Interface me!"

Tactics: breath freshener for dyslexics.

Unauthorized System Access. Technician Terminated.

Want a stupid answer? Ask your Technicians!

WindowError 031: Unable to Multitask. (A)dd 16 Mb, (T)hrow PC out window.

WindowError 033: An error occurred because an error occurred.

WindowError 004: Erroneous error. Nothing wrong.

WindowError 007: System price error. Inadequate money spent.

WindowError 015: Unexplained error. Please tell us how it happened.

WindowError 017: Non existent error. This cannot really be happening!

WindowError 024: This program has performed an illegal operation. Your under arrest. FBI will call in 10 minutes…

You''re the computer, you tell ME where the file is!

You''re so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.

Let''s go to my place and do the things I''ll tell everyone we did anyway.

Your daddy must have been a baker, ''cause you''ve got a nice set of buns.

I lost my phone number; can I borrow yours?

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

"Aah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me!

Why doesn''t DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename?

Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Hit any user to continue.

The name is Baud......, James Baud.

E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.

Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?

Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

Programmers don''t die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.

Real programmers don''t document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

Buy a Pentium so you can reboot faster.

Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?

A really bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

To be drunk is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don''t have film.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Experience is something you don''t get until just after you need it.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you''ll have to catch up.

The best automobile safety device is a rearview mirror with a cop in it.

Please return stewardess to original upright position...

NEWS! Iraqi head seeks arms

Socialism is the equal distribution of poverty.

Please insert disk: 1 of 1362 disks.

Wanted: Volcano. Average size. Must be active.

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Trees hit cars only in self-defense.

Man invented language to satisfy his need to complain.

My memory must be failing. I can''t recall asking your opinion.

Politicians aren''t crooks - just "ethically challenged."

Precinct toilets stolen! Police have nothing to go on.

Synonym: a word you use if you can''t spell the other one.

Success is a process, not an event or destination!

Stop Global Warming. Tape Peter Stanley''s mouth shut.

"I don''t recall installing this "General Protection Fault" Screen Saver?!?"

"Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism."

Mary had a little lamb. The doctor was surprised.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It''ll be back.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it''s bigger than any other file.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

Double your drive-space: delete Windows !

Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty

The truth is out there

Deny everything

Apology is policy

Believe the lie

All lies lead to the truth