Heres something i've been writing, sort of written like a creative writing piece, to add more depth to my story, I'll have more soon, I had surgery recently, I tire quickly, thats my excuse anyway. Enjoy. Helix sat on the edge of the dock, peering at the Golden Moon of Quotom; his temporary homeland. He winced, applying warm salt water to the knife wound on his forearm before redressing it with a nano-bandage, which instantly morphed to mimic the colour, tone and texture of his skin. Foster Helix was a stern former Marine of average height and stocky build, despite his many years of battle he retained a warm, rounded face that did not seem to belong to a soldier, in fact many said it would be easy to mistake Helix for a likeable person, if you never heard him speak. He was also an orphan, raised by an Imperial family who believe he may have been born to 'Scourge' parents as when he was found Helix did not have any of the necessary nano-docks that must be transplanted prior to birth to enable safe transfer of Nano-Bots into the body, thus he was susceptible to disease and healed at a slower rate than his Imperial brothers, this made Bio-Mechanical upgrades almost impossible as it could never be guaranteed he would survive, let alone recover, from the surgery. Nonetheless Helix served a good nine years as a Marine; fighting with the 102nd Inter-Planetary Response Squad, dealing with rebel uprisings on the outer rims of the Galaxy and even fighting in only the Empires second ever encounter with what were described as 'inhuman extra-terrestrials', there were many alien species known to the empire, but few differed from Imperials in biology and appearance and only the most recent species were hostile towards humans, they were known as the Vromin; an almost reptilian race that averaged around eight feet tall, although they rarely stood on their hind legs as it hindered their speed and mobility. Fierce and primitive in combat it did seem as though the Vromin had developed some level of intelligence; they had a language of sorts and, more notably, varying dialects. They also had basic structures and after capturing an Imperial Assault Squad they rapidly produced projectile weapons and even their own basic vehicles, it seemed to the Imperials that the Vromin could mimic and adapt existing technology at an alarming speed but were unable to develop their own advanced technologies from scratch, this made it imperative that no Imperial technology fell into the hands of this new enemy, and as a result all equipment in the Empires arsenal, from Battle Ships right down to the one-shot incinerator pistol, were marked with nano-scanners that could recognise Imperial flesh, or the flesh of a race allied to the Imperials. Standing up and taking one last look into the nights sky, Helix began to walk slowly back towards the Inn quietly contemplating his latest personal assignment; Quotom was one of the furthest reaching planets in the Imperial Empire, and also the closest to his alleged home world of Frecious, Helix planned to visit Frecious and discover anything he could about his bloodline, although he was not hopeful that his parents or any other relatives would still be alive, Helix was counting on there at least being some records of their existence or perhaps someone who knew them survived, it was a long shot, but a long shot was all that Helix had left. Thanks.

Quote: Original post by irish18
Foster Helix was a stern former Marine of average height and stocky build, despite his many years of battle he retained a warm, rounded face that did not seem to belong to a soldier, in fact many said it would be easy to mistake Helix for a likeable person, if you never heard him speak.

He was also an orphan, raised by an Imperial family who believe he may have been born to 'Scourge' parents as when he was found Helix did not have any of the necessary nano-docks that must be transplanted prior to birth to enable safe transfer of Nano-Bots into the body, thus he was susceptible to disease and healed at a slower rate than his Imperial brothers, this made Bio-Mechanical upgrades almost impossible as it could never be guaranteed he would survive, let alone recover, from the surgery.

Nonetheless Helix served a good nine years as a Marine; fighting with the 102nd Inter-Planetary Response Squad, dealing with rebel uprisings on the outer rims of the Galaxy and even fighting in only the Empires second ever encounter with what were described as 'inhuman extra-terrestrials', there were many alien species known to the empire, but few differed from Imperials in biology and appearance and only the most recent species were hostile towards humans, they were known as the Vromin; an almost reptilian race that averaged around eight feet tall, although they rarely stood on their hind legs as it hindered their speed and mobility.

Not a bad start but your sentence structure is overly long and should be chopped up into smaller sentences. I highlighted 3 prime examples above that could be formed better which would make them easier to read. Take a look at the first one:

Quote: Original post by irish18
Foster Helix was a stern former Marine of average height and stocky build, despite his many years of battle he retained a warm, rounded face that did not seem to belong to a soldier, in fact many said it would be easy to mistake Helix for a likeable person, if you never heard him speak.

That could easily become:

Foster Helix was a stern, former Marine of average height and stocky build. Despite his many years of battle he retained a warm, rounded face not typical of a solder. By looks alone, many had said he was a likeable man.

The second:

Quote: Original post by irish18
He was also an orphan, raised by an Imperial family who believe he may have been born to 'Scourge' parents as when he was found Helix did not have any of the necessary nano-docks that must be transplanted prior to birth to enable safe transfer of Nano-Bots into the body, thus he was susceptible to disease and healed at a slower rate than his Imperial brothers, this made Bio-Mechanical upgrades almost impossible as it could never be guaranteed he would survive, let alone recover, from the surgery.

He was an orphan, raised by an Imperial family who believed he was born part 'Scourge'. Helix was found as a child without implanted nano-docks, he wasn't protected from disease or healed by nano-bots. Unlike Helix, the other Imperials healed faster thanks to the nano-bots coursing through their system. Nano-bots helped the body heal faster and were critical for anyone receiving bio-mechanical upgrades via surgery. Without nano-bots, Foster Helix was left without bio-mechanical upgrades.

Something in that respect would make your writing flow better. Eliminating useless words like 'also' such as in the line: 'They also had...' would make it seem cleaner as well.

Finally, you'll want to paragraph things out properly. Make a paragraph about Helix's adoption, and another about his time in the military (etc...).

Duely noted.

Thanks.

hey mate!

as previously written your paragraph and sentence structure needs a bit of cleaning up, however the storyline or the beginnings of one is pretty sweet!

do you plan on fleshing the story out into something that would be large enough to fit into a medium to long length game? also where is the story heading?

Quote: Original post by irish18
Duely noted.

"Duly."

So, what about Helix's personality? Is he capable of feeling emotion?

Which of the Nine Character Types is he? (emotionaltoolbox.com)
What's his long-term orientation; Perfection-seeking, Domination-seeking, or Validation-seeking?
How does he act when faced with a sudden change of circumstances: Is he Impulse-driven, Perception-driven, or Fear-driven?
What's his strategic approach: confront, embrace, or withdraw?

For that matter, which of the seven Archetypes is he? (http://lostpedia.wikia.com/wiki/Archetype)
Hero, Mentor, Herald, Threshold Guardian, Shapeshifter, Shadow, Trickster?

Quote: Original post by Visari
do you plan on fleshing the story out into something that would be large enough to fit into a medium to long length game? also where is the story heading?

Yeah, deffinately a long game, the sort of games I would like it to end up like would be a mixture between Deus Ex and Oblivion.

As for were the storys heading, heres the basic 'blurb' so far:

Annus Unus

Year One, the Unus Universum (One Universe) led by the ruthless Emporer Chaltri use their Star Harness to eliminate the Scourge's home Solar System of Quintius. Ending a 300 year war and starting a new chapter in history, starting from the beginning. Year One: Annus Unus. Meanwhile on the outer rims of the Galaxy a battle hardened Marine search's for clues to his past and uncovers much more than expected: the Empires sinister plot to expand out over the entire Universe and how a long lost planet called Earth may yet stand in their way.

Quote: Original post by Tom Sloper
So, what about Helix's personality? Is he capable of feeling emotion?

He is yes, Im deffinately going to flesh out the charachter so he is more 3dimensional.
As for long-term orientation, probably Validation-Seeking. He'd also be Impulse-Driven, and confrontational whilst keeping his wits about him.

Finally, this is the first revised version of whats written above, with a little extra added:

Helix sat on the edge of the dock, peering at the Golden Moon of Quotom; his temporary homeland. He winced, applying warm salt water to the knife wound on his forearm before redressing it with a nano-bandage, which instantly morphed to mimic the colour, tone and texture of his skin. Foster Helix was a stern former Marine of average height and stocky build. Despite his many years of battle he retained a warm, rounded face that did not seem to belong to a soldier. In fact it was said it would be easy to mistake Helix for a likeable person, if you never heard him speak. However, Helix was not an aggressive or distasteful person, by any means, just unwilling to engage his fellow Imperials in any sort of meaningful conversation. Raised an orphan by an Imperial family who believe he may have been born to 'Scourge' parents as when he was found Helix did not have any of the necessary nano-docks that must be transplanted prior to birth to enable safe transfer of nano-bots into the body. The absence of nano-bots meant that Helix was susceptible to disease and healed at a slower rate than his Imperial brothers, this made Bio-Mechanical upgrades almost impossible as it could never be guaranteed he would survive, let alone recover, from the surgery. Helix only discovered a small amount regarding the circumstances of his adoption before his adopted Mother died. He was told they found him on an abandoned cargo ship when he was just three years old, the only other survivor was an old man who had gone mad from possibly months of floating through space and subsequently shot himself when Helix’s adoptive parents arrived, believing that they had come to interrogate him. His Mother told him that the cargo ship had been trying to smuggle refugees from Frecious into Imperial controlled space, and that most likely, Frecious was his birthplace.

Standing up and taking one last look into the nights sky, Helix began to walk slowly back towards the Inn quietly contemplating his latest personal assignment; Quotom was one of the furthest reaching planets in the Imperial Empire, and also the closest to his alleged home world of Frecious, Helix planned to visit Frecious and discover anything he could about his bloodline, although he was not hopeful that his parents or any other relatives would still be alive, Helix was counting on there at least being some records of their existence or perhaps someone who knew them survived, it was a long shot: but a long shot was all that Helix had left. He had been told that Frecious was a dangerous place; full of pirates, smugglers, human-traffickers and all manner of other underworld types who were not desirable to be around for too long. This didn’t trouble Helix too much, despite not having any of the obvious physical advantages of nano-bots and Bio-Mech upgrades Helix served a good nine years as a Marine. Fighting with the 102nd Inter-Planetary Response Squad, he dealt with rebel uprisings on the outer rims of the Galaxy and even fought in only the Empires second ever encounter with what were described as 'inhuman extra-terrestrials'. There were many alien species known to the empire, but few differed from Imperials in biology and appearance and only the most recent species were hostile towards humans. They were known as the Vromin; an almost reptilian race that averaged around eight feet tall, although they rarely stood on their hind legs as it hindered their speed and mobility. Fierce and primitive in combat it did seem as though the Vromin had developed some level of intelligence; they had a language of sorts and, more notably, varying dialects. They also had basic structures and after capturing an Imperial Assault Squad they rapidly produced projectile weapons and even their own basic vehicles. It seemed to the Imperials that the Vromin could mimic and adapt existing technology at an alarming speed but were unable to develop their own advanced technologies from scratch, this made it imperative that no Imperial technology fell into the hands of this new enemy, and as a result all equipment in the Empires arsenal, from Battle Ships right down to the one-shot incinerator pistol, were marked with nano-scanners that could recognise Imperial flesh, or the flesh of a race allied to the Imperials.

Helix stopped suddenly. A grin appeared briefly on his tired face, he had reached the Inn without noticing any of his surroundings; he could not remember any street names, passing any other pedestrians or even once thinking about were he was going. It was not the first occasion in recent times that he had got so enthralled in his own thoughts his body had decided to take over whatever action he was performing, as his mind had clearly gone off task. A useful part of the sub-conscious he thought to himself; as he entered the Inn. Upon entering his room Helix collapsed in a heap on his bed, briefly closing his eyes before remembering it was probably a smart idea to lock the door to his room: and leave his gun closer to his bed.


Still working on it, maybe update it weekly rather than daily so people dont get fed up.