ROLIN - (quietly with knowing irony)"...Well...This might be a good day to die."
CROWD is unmoved. SHERIFF steps from the FOOTSTOOL.
I like what you did MSW injecting Character in Zac's story, but here, I think it'd be much more endearing to the audience if this is changed into a one liner.
Something like:
"...Well...This might be a good day to die."
-PAUSE-
"But not for me!" *kick horse* :D
____________________________________________________________and forth spew many rivers of joy, of which fell upon the world and swept away the nations. and then as he spoke everyone bowed down in prayer to the almighty god, jesus our saviour.cya yumi_cheeseman
Original post by LessBread MSW - I think your sheriff is too wordy. He should grunt more.
SHERIFF - (to emotionless ROLIN) "Relax...The Doc says this shouldn't hurt a bit."
How about: "Relax,... this won't hurt a bit."
Remember, it gets very hot out in the west, so hot that people in general don't want to put much energy into long sentences. Only judges and assorted other fancy pants would bother using extra words. This was Eastwood's keen insight into his character in "A Fistful of Dollars". It's also somewhat true of Sanjuro in Yojimbo.
Duly noted - But I wrote it that way to give the sheriff some character. Point of that line of dialog wasn't exactly what the Sheriff says, but that he wasn't takeing credit for such words of comfort...a subtle insult, if you will.
Yes. What I get of his character in your line is that he's too cowardly to issue the insult directly so he disguises in as coming from the doctor. It suggests that the sheriff isn't a powerful figure in his own right but a henchmen controlled by the doctor. That's fine if that's the direction of the story.
"I thought what I'd do was, I'd pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes." - the Laughing Man
