My worst nightmare became true

There's so much to say that I don't even know where to begin. Took me a few days to come to terms with this post as I’ve been debating whether to share it or not. Mainly because it mostly centers around personal matters and has zero value for other devs unless you want some drama; although was thinking of sharing some free stuff from my previous projects (like going open source I suppose, anything to provide value) or sharing tips from what I've learned, but honestly, Who the F would care? Not because of trying to diminish my achievements, on the contrary, I’m still very proud of most of what I’ve done because of the constraints, it's just these aren't exactly transferable to more established/knowledgeable devs. Maybe the business networking aspect (if we can even call online presence that) of it could be beneficial for some (like how I managed to talk to a lot of important people despite being a nobody) but doubt that too because most of it boiled down to being relentless in trying and technically working 24/7; so there's no secret sauce here that only a guru could teach.

The nightmare part comes from a lot of things built up over the years, but specifically coming together when my decade+ old PSU suddenly decided to kick the bucket (there were signs of sparks these past coming weeks) a few days ago right in the middle of my next update for Nozodium (wanted to add more chaos in by introducing medic unis) which technically put the final nail in the coffin as now there's nothing I can do to save my dev career or to build with: So technically I was officially demoted from masquerading as a dev on my Win7 machine in 2026. Whether I like it or not.

This wouldn't be an issue under normal circumstances, if I weren't horribly broke, had income and gaming wouldn't be a luxury career to pursue (especially in Hungary), but for me this was just the icing on the cake as nothing is normal in my life (being neurodiverse on top).

The irony is, which I’ve been yapping about for ages that what my goals were (speaking of making games, because there were other agendas too) did manage to find a supporting audience in one way or another, so it's not that I'm 100% self-proclaiming to be “someone worthy” rather was told numerous times that I’ve something interesting to share. It's just for one reason or another it didn't work out: Most supporters had no money or when they did, they wanted more.

Be it a publisher telling me that a project of mine could earn 6-7 figures, or senior devs and scouts telling me to continue, or other publishers being interested in my projects or talking to some via video calls (like the one mentioned before, or the new Pixel guys publisher, or Leroy's new gaming VC). Had an unannounced project a few weeks ago (a comedy title), which stung a little because had 2 positive responses from Mythwright (publisher) and Griffin (that gaming VC which just had $100m injection). Catch was that while they liked the concept they wanted more than a GDD and a rushed “tech” build, wanting more of a polished vertical slice. On which I couldn't deliver because of not having money for a new PC or the ability to sustain myself for the time being. It's not the first time either, which made me run in circles over and over, and never quite reach anything. But I digress.

7+ years this kept happening to me of which there are a lot of blog posts about in my portfolio. 7+ years constantly running into this wall, this gating mechanism that's rooted in all it feels like, this inescapable hellhole for the likes of me, because it's designed to cater above a level I cannot reach without external aid. Tried making it on my own but posting low-poly games on Itch didn't bring in one cent. That's why I had to push projects early and in a broken state to publishers as I was fearing a lot of things (in the background) that were handcuffing me to this awful reality. And because of knowing that the day, this day would come when my old PC would kick the bucket for good; not mentioning the business side of it which is another form of expense and wall to climb over.

The thinking was that yes I can climb out of this one because there's always room for improvements, have a better project or having quite a few people in my circle on LinkedIn who could help, even just by connecting me to the right person; those connections didn't come easy btw. IF, and that's a big if, if they wanted to of course. But because I failed to achieve anything measurable in the numbers (as in sales), as now having 2 titles reach top 10 on IndieDB, I’m no different from a fly on the wall. Which is absurd as I’ve been working with sticks and stones (tackling unique concepts) and if that's not impressive, like having X thousand views on YouTube shorts or 22k views on a Reddit post, I don't know what is; I mean, the CEO of Polden is doing the exact same thing on LinkedIn, telling about how he greenlights projects based on wishlists under 30 days with nothing but a Steam page. But sure, my achievements aren't from Steam, but come on, surely it should signal some level of competence, No? Nozodium looks garbage yet went into top 10, because it's fun for what it is.

So here I am, typing on my phone, looking at my empty inbox, checking views on my videos (sent to publishers) in hopes that one particular email would come and find me to change my life forever. Truth is it’ll never come because I’m still a solo developer with no “proven” track record; doesn't matter how many projects I have, how many socials I operate or what my portfolio is about. That filters me out of everything and there's not a single person/publisher in the industry who cares about this; guess it's “fine” because I’m not the only one in this situation, but hurts a lot because of being in an awful spot. And there are no grants, no crowd funding or incubators here that I could lean on either. Nothing, only bootstrapping, which is reserved for the rich.

Thing is, and this will get a little graphic, I’m also fearing for my life as I’ve to ration my food (have been on a shit diet for years, but this time it's getting more dire, on top of my regular dietary needs because of my allergies) and fear for my health and the roof over my head as my brother wants to sell the flat I’m living in by force (which is also falling apart), after beating me up with his friends of course (for being a failure and standing in his way of success). So it's a lot of fun for me, this living that is. Which is why I’ve been taking this whole career choice very seriously, on one hand. Other was that it was my last option to get away from all of this and carve out a future for myself. If only I had access to Steam or could've shipped that old mobile game of mine (before Google locking me out), maybe things could've been different.

If only people would listen to me and give me a chance. Anyway, thanks for reading, as always.