New horizons

Been a hot minute since my last post. This time is very different. It's alarmingly dangerous, yet has potential in changing my life forever. This is not an exaggeration. Albeit, a painful and bittersweet one, which I'd wished to have never experienced, due to the what it cost and how much damage it has done.

[…]

Sigh. So it seems that after a lifetime of hardship and tremendous efforts to combat it, I’m still unable to choose where my life goes or affect it in any shape or form: Have to accept what's given and stay quiet about it. Well, that part of keeping my mouth shut was never my way of doing, especially knowing, seeing it with my own eyes that a good portion of the time it's the people around us who’re keeping others constrained and in line, not necessarily “life” or your inability to partake in the rat-race; life couldn't care less, but people have agendas and an ego or position to protect.

If you don't have the means to buy yourself into fame then you're limited to luck or to the whim of others; people can work for life, achieve great heights in their own fields and go nowhere, while others shoot to the stars. There's very little in between because these days the playfield no longer caters to scrappy indies and you’ve to provide “AAA” levels to get noticed. Extreme-sensationalism is what drives social media algorithms, discoverability in general, and if you want to get heard, you’ve to deliver accordingly—the extraordinary that is. That's been the business for some time now after all, not amateur hour. Just think of how many options players can choose from these days, whilst many look and feel the same or slightly different.

And this is what the “Just build it” or “Traction & MVP first” obsessed crowd—the entire gaming industry in a nutshell—big or small doesn't matter here. What does, and what anyone connected to this scene will never understand that they're completely dissing the underlying expenditures of getting there; speaking of both the financial and labor cost here. It's not just pushing the risks onto the developers further. No. It's a calculated deconstruction and centralization of resources, where the survival of the biggest pocket wins. Rise of the indies this is not.

For years I worked my ass off with nothing but sticks and stones, knocked on every door, moved every rock possible, lost the remainder of my life and my health too, climbed ladders with tied hands behind my back, reached goals very few ever could imagine with such handicap. Some supported me in words—notable people from the industry—but it was never enough to get me anywhere, as words not directly coming from the source means nothing in the world of business and in gaming; this is especially true for warm intros. It was easier to look the other way—for them—often laugh at my attempts (yes, many actually did that) or straight up ignore all the achievements and data, even when there wasn't a need for such outlandish behavior as others succeeded with way less. But I digress because they weren't the ones eating the same food to no end or fought while everyone was attacking them…

Point is that a few weeks ago I thought it was all over, because I reached the end of the line; no more projects to submit, no more time given to make it profitable. Tensions ran rampant within my family and my workstation also caved in. It was the final straw which kicked off a series of events that now I found myself in. On one hand these have been the darkest days of my life. And couldn't save myself from harm as after all these years I’m still considered a fraud and a liar to those closest to me, because there's nothing I could show them on the contrary. Infuriating this whilst being in the hands of uncertainty.

However, it seems that whilst losing everything, an unforeseen path might be presenting itself: One that could categorically redefine my entire future. IF—and that's a big if—if done right. And that is not an understatement by a long shot.

And that worries me. Not because of needing to act upon it or having the option to do so—although it's really not the way it’s supposed to be—but the how it will unfold: The very thing I was fighting to alleviate or eliminate entirely by finding proper support for any of my projects. Games are expensive to make and there's a reason why it's considered a hobby at best in Hungary; among other derogatory things. Knew—after a while—that my aspirations would never come, due to the unrealistic requirements the biz has, but tried it anyway because I’ve been through the process that destroyed me and vouched to never again experience it.

Seven years passed, and austerity didn't “just” mean lack of modern hardware or tools, but affected my entire life, the chronic pain, other health issues or the very food I ate; neglecting those at the expense of keeping it, this last chance alive, hoping to get noticed. I wasn't loud or good enough. Yet I could make something that could make it top ten on IndieDB for several consecutive days. Again, this was not a choice I wanted—pursuing gaming in such poor conditions—but was given to address, and now with this new opportunity to handle it somehow; talked about this before (some has to do with my circumstances or being neurodiverse).

The choice seems to be there to look past some of this, for some period of time into the future, if events unfold the way they currently appear to. A lot of it hinges on outside factors and if agreements are honored.

There are also tremendous burdens, because Hungary is still an awful place to make games (industry and economy wise), and still has an instant 60% minus when dealing with Steam; that's before local taxing that is. Nobody seemed to get this problem, and how I couldn't overcome it. Everyone was just repeating the same over and over: Just build it. My question was always “But with what and where?”. Of course that was only my problem to solve, even from people specialized for this (like incubators or pre-seed “investors”). Like how I was once told my biggest problem was being a first time founder, because they wanted people with management experience to back; and that offer was less than for $100k, not $15m for a AA production. Yes.

Moving abroad, the language barrier, finding an apartment, getting papers, opening a bank account, registering a business and paying the fees and associated capital if required, buying hardware and tools, paying for bookkeeping and other associated expenses, paying for healthcare and food, clothing, etc., and keep the lights on long enough that you could potentially make money from games is something I wasn't looking forward to without a significant amount of investment. Knowing that if you want to make it in the biz, you’ve to reach a certain level of quality; viral slop games and alike don't count, that's a foolish way to think.

Amidst I fear my health will not be able to tolerate it further, some actually need medical attention—or at least a healthier, less toxic life somewhere far away from all of this bull crap. And frankly, seven years of back-breaking crunch was just enough for me for a lifetime—once had a crashout and saw white light. Have yet to share that journey too, the highs and lows and the drama behind the scenes; of which I’ve already started, because the story, the experience is something others can learn from, and perhaps avoid my mistakes.

This choice has to be made, whether I like it or not as events are unfolding. Can choose between this or working at a shit job for minimum wage for the rest of my miserable life. Choosing this will mean it's going to be hard. Extremely hard, dangerous and self-made, alone—how it's always been. While I would've wanted something less extreme as you would've guessed, Isn't that a bit too much to ask after decades of misfortune? This cry for help goes beyond gaming as you could imagine. Have I not proven enough?

Still in the process of deciding where to go and what to do, because—again—options are very limited and unfortunately places I’d be are way too expensive (like Ireland), but a decision has to be made at some point.

Then there's also the worry of what to make and how. Funny thing is that given the chance—might be just my state of mind—but nothing jumps at me from my portfolio, because all of them are made with concessions either in scope or design. Alas have solid plans from before on how to tackle the “how” part (marketing and business incentives). The ”what” part is giving me a headache: On one hand the exhaustion, mental and physical, the endless fighting, all left me burned out and creatively lacking in a time of great need—which would take a long time to heal—as time is not on my side. Every time I try to get it going it goes nowhere: Even “simple” things like coming up with a name—for the “studio”, requirement for registering—or coming up with a new logo for my personal brand—the one I’ve been using but neglected a lot in the designer side—is proving to be an insurmountable problem; most of the time my mind is blank and empty and can only hear myself talk. Even coming up with a color scheme feels impossible right now.

Then there's the other thing: You see, still wholly believe that games can be more than what they're today; have written numerous articles about it too. However, meaning, merit and transcendent art comes at a price: Social impact only works if done right and done well—up to a high standard. And I'm not entirely sure if it could be pulled off with whatever there be; way better than having a zero budget, but nerve-wracking if not, especially if you've to half way through generate income.

That was my greatest enemy, quality, because my target audience were adults: They want quality and I want to stand by that, not just for the sake of it, but it being second nature to me and wish to uphold that as a business. But old and broken tools can only take you so far. It's like seeing someone trying to compete in a race where they physically cannot win.

Quality, complexity, sophistication and merit is the only way to set myself and my art apart from others, knowing what, where and how to deliver. Throwing money at it like how AAA would just isn't going to cut it anymore—that’s the “graphics and mechanics no longer suffice” mantra. What adults often want are bound by large(r) scopes, usually outside the realm of micro budgets. And that worries me also, because if you can't deliver on that premise then they won't care. Would note that scope doesn't necessarily mean physically large spaces, like an MMORPG with all the assets, but refinement in quality: from QOL features, to accessibility, to creature comforts and execution.

Meeting expectations come in all shapes and forms. Say me being a trained musician means—in terms of my own preferences—that you need to buy that $1000 library to compose with the very least, if you wish to hit a decent level of quality and appear to be AA in production when you're not. And that's just one source, composing requires a lot more essentials and not just one classical library—and a keyboard too, with other audio equipment; there are plugins and other instruments as well, and then there's the hardware that runs it—the resource hogs. Or have voice acting, good voice acting—not those cheap ones even big publishers skim out on—which in normal cases start around $800-900 per hour (last time checked on GVAA for union prices, although established VA start around $1000 or more, who usually are trained, some have theater or movie experience, and can deliver outstanding lines, on top of having raw talent). Sure you can make do without those or take shortcuts, but one thing I’ve learned the hard way is that people don't care if you can't deliver a certain quality; this is especially true on Steam (PC) as far as experiences from others showed—mine is limited to IndieDB and Itch.io. That's why I made zero dollars during my seven years of hell as a full-time solo developer.

Then there's also the subject of what game to make that could potentially reach a polished demo state (vertical or horizontal depending on the type). Because while there were projects, especially as of late that were more “kid” friendly—like the one where the goal was to scare a village into desertion—my mojo is still in making games for grown ups, as that's what excites me: Freely exploring topics usually not discussed in gaming, or venture into territories that gaming simply fears and not tolerated by publishers or investors (less action, less violence, etc.); one of the spooktastic words here being “narrative”. That's part of my USP, what makes my craft one-of-a-kind. The part which makes you think, feel emotions, drive your mind way past the immediate experience—the standard adrenaline rush—and perhaps encourages you to act upon for the greater good. Those are the ones that leave a lasting impression on people and go down the history books.

My goal is and was for a long time, to change gaming and the world through it. Because the power, to change, to leave an impact is there, but severely underutilized. The industry doesn't want to be part of any of that, in fact actively hinders it. Otherwise people would've taken me seriously and not thrown me out as they did. And this is just the tip of the iceberg, because there are far reaching issues here at play.

Strange, how there's a lot on my mind yet nothing is.