Original Post
An Easter Message From Rev. Brendon Higgins May I extend my warmest greetings to all those celebrating Easter this year. A year has passed and once again it is time to celebrate our lord and saviour. But in this era of wars, famines, epidemics, and reality TV shows, it is important that we not lose sight of the original message of the season: Chocolate. It is important for families all around the world during this time to come together to celebrate the Easter Bunny, and to thank Him for His sacrifice, giving His ass so that we may enjoy the eternal bliss that His egested Chocolate eggs brings us. Sadly, this critical part of the Easter tradition is, for many people, being forgotten. We the faithful must remain focused and dedicated. The temptation may be great, but during this time we must remember that the Chocolate of your brethren is not yours. You can't just take it out of the fridge and eat it yourself. What the hell made you think you could? I was going to eat that Cherry Ripe, what gave you the impression I wasn't? I was saving it! Anyway, as a society, we are running the very serious risk of bearing towards a malevolent evil. Carob has poisoned the minds of those who call themselves "health conscious", leading them to reject the word of Cadbury. We must remember that such people are not evil, they are simply misguided, and they need our help. We need to offer them our support, love, and Chocolate (not mine) so that we may one day all bask in the glory of Cadbury, Chocolate, and the Easter Bunny. But more importantly, we must not get between me and my Chocolate. I'm serious, now what the hell did you do with those Caramel Eggs? You didn't eat them, too, did you? Love, forgiveness, tolerance, understanding, and self-sacrifice. They all take a back seat if you get in the way of my chocolate. Don't fuck with my chocolate. I mean it, if you keep fucking with my chocolate I will hunt you down and I will cut you. I wish everyone a happy, safe, and above all, Chocolaty Easter, and may Cadbury bless you with many sweet things. And stay the hell out of my fridge. The Reverend Brendon "Seriously, don't fuck with my Chocolate" Higgins